I am going to be teaching you my three top tips on how to stop an argument. This is not so much about avoiding an argument this is more about how to stop an argument once it’s already got started. Number one is that your going to want to get away from making your point. I know that feels really important when you’re in the middle of an argument I just need to get my point across but instead of making that your most important thing I want you to make the most important thing about how can I show this person kindness right now? This is probably one of the biggest stretches your brain is ever going to experience is when your mid-flow in an argument you go ‘I need to show kindness right now’ and then you have to be kind towards them in some way.  

Here’s the thing when you show kindness to someone in the middle of an argument, it does something to their brain it makes their brain like blow up or fizzle out or just kind freezes their brain in that moment and it makes it very difficult for them to continue being angry with you or to continue wanting to fight or argue with you when you have just demonstrated real genuine kindness.

I’m not saying that you do this just to try and stop the argument you’ve kind of got to come from a  good place at the same time because if you just do it to stop the argument then it might come across as if you’re just being sneaky or you’re trying to manipulate them so you’re just trying to get what you want from them and it might not come across in the best possible way but if you can do this from a place of being genuinely kind and caring and loving even though you might want to punch this person in the face right now you will cause their brain to seize up and freeze in that moment which then gives you a much better opportunity to be able to settle the argument and maybe even to get the thing that it was that you wanted out of it 

Number two is expect less! Sometimes we get into arguments because we have an expectation of someone else that means that we either want something from them or we believe that they should be doing something for us. We believe that they should be behaving in a particular way. When we have an idea about how they should be and then they don’t do that, that can be a cause of a great deal of arguments when people don’t do the thing that you thought that they should or would do so when you expect less when you don’t think that way in quite so many situations then actually it gives you more opportunity to not get disappointed quite so often.

I said that in a really backwards way let me say again: when you expect less when you don’t believe quite so much that people are going to give you what you want and you just are happy to put up with whatever happens to some extent then it means there is much less chance of you being disappointed because what you have done is you have kind of let go of all of those rules that you used to have about how people should behave and what other people should do if instead people behave the way that they were always going to then it doesn’t have to bother you in the same way anymore so that is my second tip is expected less like loosen up the rules around what new think other people should or shouldn’t do and what they should or shouldn’t give you.

Number three is give yourself time out! I want you to get good at putting yourself on timeout. If you feel like you are starting to get tangled up in an argument and that your emotions are going to run away with you like you’re going to end up getting extra angry unnecessarily then I want you to be able to step back from that situation give yourself a little bit of breathing space give yourself time to calm down and then you can go back to it knowing that you’re going to do so with more kindness knowing that you are going to do so without having expectations about what the other person should do think or say because we are expecting less of people now so when you give yourself timeout you just give yourself a little bit more time to think about what the real problem is and how it is that you really want to talk about that without it turning into a big steamy loud argument that’s going to leave everybody feeling upset on the other side of it.

Just to recap your three top tips are in order to stop an argument that’s already got started show kindness blow their brain up. The second one is expect less – don’t expect that the other person should see things from your perspective or do the things that you want them to do and then there is less chance of you being disappointed when they don’t! The third thing is give yourself time out give yourself time to go back reflect on what it is that you’re really thinking, what it is that you really want to say and then you can go at it fresh.

By Gemma Bailey
www.childtherapisthertfordshire.nlp4kids.org